Time Passes - Changes Occur

For at least a week my mind has been returning to brain tumors, symptoms and radiation therapy as well as the realization that I am sometimes looking for the person I used to be and at other times being surprised that I just behaved in a reactive manner that was once familiar but now rather odd.

Tomorrow will mark one year plus one month since surgery number one. Also marks 7-1/2 months since surgery number two.

In a conversation with my dear friend, Linda, I identified that I cannot really fathom what has happened in the last fourteen months. I’m unable to step far enough back to observe it. For now, I remain in the midst of it and can examine the experience piece by piece but not as a gestalt.

Susan J., my spiritual director tells me that it may be years before I can fully comprehend the changes I’ve undergone. My friend, Ben, suggests I'll most likely just get used to them. I think that's what has been happening since last October, when this photo was taken.

The questions currently arising include:

o For how long was my brain compressed?
o What physical signs did I have that did not register as symptoms and how long ago?
o What do I need to know about radiation therapy to properly assess whether or not to consider radiation therapy as an option?

When I look in a mirror, an old woman now greets me. She has wrinkles; evidence she’s lost a few pounds. Her face is relaxed, without tension, but not without sadness. Maybe, one day, the sadness will fade. Overall, the face I see is reflective of some hard-won wisdom.

Overall, I feel very healthy but remain limited in energy. Day to day I am more disciplined in my living habits, careful to eat real food often but not in large quantity, walking whenever possible instead of driving, napping most every afternoon even if I think I don’t need to.

Never before, as an adult, have I felt so well cared for, so free of tension or worries. Yet I am fairly often reminded that I am living with a finger tip sized leftover tumor still embedded in my brain stem – this week especially.

By the end of the month I shall have scheduled an early May appointment for another MRI.

Dr. John Schmidt, the local neurosurgeon, suggested I think about the possibility of radiation treatments on that tumor remnant before we meet again. Therefore, I am doing so. On the internet I found some descriptions of radiation treatment options on brain tumors. Once again I read that radiation causes tumors and especially when the cause of the tumor was radiation. Does that make any sense?

The other treatment options are more surgery and chemotherapy. Chemo has not been proven to be of any help though it is still listed as a viable option. Surgery may or may not be an option. Depending on what, I wonder. I’ve not yet with an oncologist. The last time I spent any time thinking of radiation treatments, almost a year ago, I rejected the idea. Today - I have no opinion whatsoever.